I saw a gay cowboy movie the other day..... the mancard holding guy's guide to Brokeback.

Actually I didn't. I saw Brokeback Mountain. And if you haven't seen it, or are afraid to see it, you should. It is easily one of the best movies I have ever seen. Hands down. The sorrowful honesty of the simple lines. The complex physicality of the acting. The perfect pacing and timing by Ang lee. The focus on love and relationships - not homosexuality. And the tragedy of dreams unfulfilled pressured by inward and external obstacles. I wasn't prepared to like this movie - but I admit it. I do.

That said, there's a ton of guys who refuse to watch this movie. In a sense, I can't blame them. The thought of watching two guys pitchin tents (literally) and gettin their gay on is not really on the level of say.... watching Jessica Alba in bikinis all day. Frankly, the thought of having feelings for another man doesn't repulse me per se, I'd just rather not go that route. I like my wife the way she is.

So I came up with some good reasons for the hetero, ballscratchin, pee territory markin', and porn watchin (in the AM no less) male to watch BBM. Please tell me you know waht BBM stands for.

Reason 1: There is boobage in this movie.
I must say, the boobage is quite good. Anne Hathaway's boobage is surprisingly nice. I didn't know she had a set like that! But then again, any thought of that while watching the Princess Diaries' movies would be akin to child porn - but she's grown up now, so its okay to talk about it. (Either way, I feel as if I'm stepping on the catwalk of trepidation - I can't believe I admitted that I've seen the Princess Diary no 1. No plans to see the sequel.)

Not only that, but there is boobage with Michelle Williams too - although her boobage is flat on her back boobage - which by any measure is a difficult predictor of normal standup boobage. I think she has good mammaries - and I'm glad I saw it.

Reason 2: You look better to your date.
Let's face it. Women are much more accepting of gay men that guys are. Why? Well, guys offer sex like they offer cash to the bartender - It doesn't matter who accepts the offer a lot of times - there's no shame in offering because the reward is so good. So women get tired of the constant offers disguised as ignorant psuedorecognition (Hey, don't I know you from somewhere), arrogant chest pounding, and/or cheesy (and often greasy) suave-itude (I make up words as I go along to suit me - my linguisticality is simply amazing)

Guys - well guys would love to have it the other way. If women threw themselves at me all the time - hell I'd enjoy it. But we would enjoy simply because it doesn't happen that way. In part, this is due to a guy's introverted self esteem deficits. They won't say it, but many guys lack it. If they say it, they're bitches. Like snitches. Fo shizzle my dizzoggy dizzle double oh pizzle. Fucking butter popcorn high's got me saying crazy shit. So men with lo self esteem need that women attention and crave it.

So what happens with the gay male who lavishes attention on the straight guy? The lo self esteem guy takes it as a shock to his manhood. Like somebody just poured cold water right to his testicles - shrinking them to freeze dried peas. They look at it like they're a bitch being sought out for some behind the alley dropping the soap bar action. The reality is this. Most gay guys are impeccably fashionable. They also know style when they see it (at least not the bonfire flamingly gay ones) - so if you get a compliment from them - you better know that you're on the level, if you know what I mean.

So how does BBM relate to this? Let's just look at it like this. You can sit through a gay sex scene without flinching (eating popcorn furiously fast and staring at teh upper left corner of the screen and counting the number of white dots is not flinching - perfectly normal movie viewing). You can feel the sorrow and pain of a man who loves another man. You can stand up proud and hold your SO's hand. All this means that your self esteem is in check. Your'e comfortable with your own manhood. You know where your penis is pointed. And you are NOT afraid to be comfortable with gaydom. You're gonna get laid.

Reason 3:.... ummm.... uhhh....... Its seriously a great movie.
If Heath Leger doesn't win Best actor, if Ang Lee doesn't win best director, and if the movie isn't the best movie fo the year - something is entirely wrong with the Academy. It's that good. And it has some of the most memorable scenes and lines:
"If you can't fix, you gotta stand it."
"I wish I could quit you."
"Jack Twist. Jack NASTY." (Jack, its TWIST IF YOU'RE NASTY - yes that's right brining it old school with the Janet Jackson reference - gyeah!)

Okay, there's only 2 good reasons for mancard carrying guys to actually try this movie out. But I bet, that more than half of you mancard carrying men will actually like it. The other half - well you're probably already on mancard probation - having already done something that is smolderingly gay - not flamingly - and are now trying to front like you're King Kong or something.

So please put you're squirminess aside and see the damn movie. It's a classic. One I'll remember for the rest of my life (then again, I remember Breakdancin' as a classic movie as well). Even if you end up hating it, you can at least say you saw it and its still memorable either way.