Spongebob Squarepants Censored? Proof that Homophobic Republicans are Gay.
I'm usually pretty annoyed by Spongebob Squarepants and Barney. Both seem a little to contrived to me - I prefer my Elmo and Big Bird. So in no way do I advocate polluting the minds of our young with these two excuses for parental insufficiency. Yes, you heard that right - I think parents only buy this shit because it keeps them from dealing with their kids.
In a capitalistic society - you throw money at the problem to make it go away. Where can I pay for the gadget that eliminates stupidity?
Anyway, this morning I came across an article that said some conservative group felt that Spongebob Squarepants and Barney were bad for children? Agreeing with the end argument, I was curious as to why they would say that. I figured that some of these were reasons:
1. Spongebob Squarepants resembles no living thing I've ever encountered. I take that back - the Pizza delivery
guy looks sorta square with scrawny limbs. But for the most part - no one looks like that. Kids will grow up expecting that only square sponges will be nice to them.
2. The level of cheese is beyond comprehension. I mean, most kids programming is wholesome and very very cleancut in presenting any type of social dilemma. But Barney and Squarepants Cheesiness rival only A-Ha's and Tiffany's music from the 80s. If anyone breaks into, "you love me, me love you..." I'm going to pimp hand them (props to Tlish for the pimp hand knowledge). I guess I wouldn't mind so much if they did that as a group singalong - but it typically happens after something bad happens - like a kid falls down, or a kid loses his crayon or a kid feels left out. Imagine if Barney was on the Apprentice. Donald vs Barney. Ultimately the cheese just sets kids up for failure. They imagine the utopia they're embarkign upon and the reality is that - people just fucking suck. So singing wont' help. Barney needs to teach kids how to use the pimp hand - if you ask me.
3. They need to prepare kids for the street. Look, we're becoming an increasingly urban society. These kids on Barney and the lessons on Spongebob are ludicrous. The golden rule don't work in the city. You can't cooperate with the drunk, vomiting, urine infested homeless guy on teh street. Ain't no G around who'll count to 20 and jump for joy with you. Kids gotta be taught how to survive on the street. They gotta develop that scowl that keeps strangers with bad intentions at a distance. They need to maneuver quick like cat between tourists. Most importantly, they need to catalog where the acceptable bathrooms are. I wish someone taught me this.
So after hoping that those were the same conlcusions the conservatives came up with, I read the artcile. To my surprise, they came up with something I never, ever in my craziest sleep-deprived, caffiene laden state imagine:
They think they're gay.
WHAT?!
Yes you heard me. They are gay. Clearly Spongebob is like a penis. Soft and flimsy normally but get him all worked up in moisture and homie becomes full and sprung. Barney - well he's a walking penis as well. Both of them clearly are so gay that you're suprised that you haven't seen a Playgirl hanging out their back pockets.
How retarded is that. What kind of disturbed imagination must one have to think that these two horribly flawed but harmless kid lovers is gay? I mean, teletubbies - now this? I'm surprised they haven't asked to censor Sesame Street. I mean, how old are Bert and Ernie anyway. Where are their parents? Why do they bathe together? Don't they act like "a couple?"
While they're at it - I think they better censor Elmo. Homeboy is clearly gay. Who in their right mind would let anyone tickle them so much unless he thinks its foreplay?
I'm at a loss actually. I really believe that the most vehement anti-gay people are deep down... gay. Why does it bother them so much? Is it because they need to hang on to this historic convention that gets passed on as a basis for marriage? Do they need to convince themself that God actually cares where a man sticks his third variable length lower limb?
I think that the whole thought of gay sex intrigues them so much that they terrify themselves into a lather. Afraid of the social consequences of their thoughts, they have to act completely opposite - in an act of utter denial. I mean, I don't mind it if someone says.. hey, I'm not about that gay marriage thing. Its their opinion - I don't hate them any less for it - but I certainly disagree with them. But when they go out and try to tell me that a yellow sponge and a purple blobosaur is gay? Homeboys and homegirls are hella homophobicly homo (I like alliteration).
Its like that damn playground boy picking on the girl again - he only does it cause he secretly likes her. I bet you put these conservatives in a world full of men - and they'd make the Queer Eye guys proud.
In a capitalistic society - you throw money at the problem to make it go away. Where can I pay for the gadget that eliminates stupidity?
Anyway, this morning I came across an article that said some conservative group felt that Spongebob Squarepants and Barney were bad for children? Agreeing with the end argument, I was curious as to why they would say that. I figured that some of these were reasons:
1. Spongebob Squarepants resembles no living thing I've ever encountered. I take that back - the Pizza delivery
guy looks sorta square with scrawny limbs. But for the most part - no one looks like that. Kids will grow up expecting that only square sponges will be nice to them.
2. The level of cheese is beyond comprehension. I mean, most kids programming is wholesome and very very cleancut in presenting any type of social dilemma. But Barney and Squarepants Cheesiness rival only A-Ha's and Tiffany's music from the 80s. If anyone breaks into, "you love me, me love you..." I'm going to pimp hand them (props to Tlish for the pimp hand knowledge). I guess I wouldn't mind so much if they did that as a group singalong - but it typically happens after something bad happens - like a kid falls down, or a kid loses his crayon or a kid feels left out. Imagine if Barney was on the Apprentice. Donald vs Barney. Ultimately the cheese just sets kids up for failure. They imagine the utopia they're embarkign upon and the reality is that - people just fucking suck. So singing wont' help. Barney needs to teach kids how to use the pimp hand - if you ask me.
3. They need to prepare kids for the street. Look, we're becoming an increasingly urban society. These kids on Barney and the lessons on Spongebob are ludicrous. The golden rule don't work in the city. You can't cooperate with the drunk, vomiting, urine infested homeless guy on teh street. Ain't no G around who'll count to 20 and jump for joy with you. Kids gotta be taught how to survive on the street. They gotta develop that scowl that keeps strangers with bad intentions at a distance. They need to maneuver quick like cat between tourists. Most importantly, they need to catalog where the acceptable bathrooms are. I wish someone taught me this.
So after hoping that those were the same conlcusions the conservatives came up with, I read the artcile. To my surprise, they came up with something I never, ever in my craziest sleep-deprived, caffiene laden state imagine:
They think they're gay.
WHAT?!
Yes you heard me. They are gay. Clearly Spongebob is like a penis. Soft and flimsy normally but get him all worked up in moisture and homie becomes full and sprung. Barney - well he's a walking penis as well. Both of them clearly are so gay that you're suprised that you haven't seen a Playgirl hanging out their back pockets.
How retarded is that. What kind of disturbed imagination must one have to think that these two horribly flawed but harmless kid lovers is gay? I mean, teletubbies - now this? I'm surprised they haven't asked to censor Sesame Street. I mean, how old are Bert and Ernie anyway. Where are their parents? Why do they bathe together? Don't they act like "a couple?"
While they're at it - I think they better censor Elmo. Homeboy is clearly gay. Who in their right mind would let anyone tickle them so much unless he thinks its foreplay?
I'm at a loss actually. I really believe that the most vehement anti-gay people are deep down... gay. Why does it bother them so much? Is it because they need to hang on to this historic convention that gets passed on as a basis for marriage? Do they need to convince themself that God actually cares where a man sticks his third variable length lower limb?
I think that the whole thought of gay sex intrigues them so much that they terrify themselves into a lather. Afraid of the social consequences of their thoughts, they have to act completely opposite - in an act of utter denial. I mean, I don't mind it if someone says.. hey, I'm not about that gay marriage thing. Its their opinion - I don't hate them any less for it - but I certainly disagree with them. But when they go out and try to tell me that a yellow sponge and a purple blobosaur is gay? Homeboys and homegirls are hella homophobicly homo (I like alliteration).
Its like that damn playground boy picking on the girl again - he only does it cause he secretly likes her. I bet you put these conservatives in a world full of men - and they'd make the Queer Eye guys proud.
posted by Richard at 2:19 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home