Self-Centrism: Why its so hard to find new friends and keep good ones.
There seems to be a fundamental personality flaw with a lot of people these days. All of us are guilty of it at some point. It's called self-centrism. You know those types. All they can talk about is themselves. All they know of you is very superficial aspects. They never find time to understand the real you. They ignore all clues that you want to talk about something you hold near and dear. I'm sure there's some sort of psychology course that teaches this, but I'm not in college anymore, so bear with me.
The difficulty with this is that self-centrism can develop in an existing friend or it can be inherent in a person you just met.
I think the former is more difficult and traumatic. When friends become self-centered to the point where they forget to ask you even simple questions like, "What are you doing this weekend?" or "Hey, what's going on in your life?" it is difficult on the psyche. Those people who used to indulge in your reasoning and sometimes misguided rationale for your decisions suddenly distance themselves by focusing on themselves. As you become less self-centered they indulge in self-centrism, making conversations one-sided and completely uninteresting. Does this sound familiar:
You- "Hey what's up man?"
Them- "Not much, what's up with you?"
You- "Just workin on..."
Them- "I just wanted to call to tell you I got a new _______"
You- "Cool... cool.. so how do you like it?"
(After about 15 minutes of listening)
Them- "So yeah.. it's the best thing ever..."
You- "Yeah, glad you like it.. I know you've been wanting that for a long time... Very happy for you."
Them- "So what's new"
You- "Well I spent some more time _______ and ______"
Them- "Oh yeah.. me too.. did I tell you that I did that the other day? And what happened?"
You- "Yeah you told me..."
Them- "Man it was sooo awesome...."
(After another 15 minutes)
Them- "Glad to hear from you."
You- "Yeah, me too."
Well, it became familiar for me too with some of my good friends. Each time I would mention a hobby of mine, they would ask.. "Oh really? I didn't know you were into that." Um. Okay. I told you about FIVE times already!
Then there are the new people you meet. Initially they sound pretty cool to talk to, but then after a week or so, you realize it's a one way street. They end up just completely ignoring you. These people feel no remorse when you have said five total words in a conversation that they initiated. Soon, you start to field their calls with fear and thoughts of new excuses to get them off the phone.
Not all self-centered people are alike, however. They come in three different types in my humble opinion.
First, the funny and social self centered type. These people are the life of the party. Its fun to hang out with them at the club and at bars, because they are just damn funny and they seek that role. Attention neediness has been their modus operandi since they were a child. Try to talk to them in a one on one situation, and it becomes highly annoying. More stories about how you are a social wunderkind? Please bring it on. More talk about how you are having problems with a million different men or women? I have all the time in the world. And when you start to talk about your issues, they cut you off and offer up the way that THEY would do it. Great.
Second, the annoying and negative type. These people decide that their opinions are the only ones that matter, no matter how shaky the foundation is upon which their logic resides. They sneer at any mention of your happiness or have to add a comment about how much more wonderful their life is. Worse, they decide that they can relate to everything you have gone through, but with more suffering, more happiness, and more passion. Wierd. Their absolutism knows no bounds and they must apply it to everybody. A conversation with one of them goes something like this:
"So my boss yelled at me today for...."
Them- "Bosses should never do that. I will never work for a boss like that. In fact, my boss loves me. I once had a boss that did that, and I left the job. I will never work for a boss like that. In fact, my boss loves me. You shouldn't take that. Don't ever let it happen again. Look at me, I don't."
You- "But it's different at my workplace..."
Them- "Doesn't matter. For example, my boss tried to _______ and I just told him, 'Talk to the hand.'"
They can never say good things for you either. I once told one of these people that I was planning to go autocrossing, a safe form of racing. Their response was, "I would never do that. Seems so risky and stupid." Thanks. Great, coming from a non-driving enthusiast, I must listen and uphold that opinion. Is my sarcasm getting thick?
The last and third type (and I'm sure there are many more), is the quiet, distracted type. They initially seem to be the best listeners and you initially open up your thoughts and soul to them. Within a short amount of itme, though, it dawns upon you that they have never paid attention to what you were saying. They were just biding time to open up their own can of worms. The telltale sign of never remembering what you said, what you like, or even what you feel is always apparent after the first one or two conversations. It seems that they only listen to gain your trust so they can open the floodgates of their own self-centrism. Call them the Trojan horse of self centered people. These are the hardest to predict and the most difficult to deal with. You feel sort of indebted to them for their initial, albeit shallow listening. I've learned to predict these people by gauging their initial responses. These types will just nod their head or say key, familiar phrases like, "Yeah," "I see," "I feel ya," "Must be hard man," and "Things will get better," with nothing else to say. After awhile, you could tell them that you had asteroids coming out of your penis and they would say the same monotonous phrases.
So there it is. My rant for the day/week/month. I find that the older you get, the more I find these people. It has one benefit though, it makes me feel lucky for those friends who aren't like this. I know I've been self-centered sometimes in the past, but hopefully I don't abuse it like the above examples. Time will tell.
The difficulty with this is that self-centrism can develop in an existing friend or it can be inherent in a person you just met.
I think the former is more difficult and traumatic. When friends become self-centered to the point where they forget to ask you even simple questions like, "What are you doing this weekend?" or "Hey, what's going on in your life?" it is difficult on the psyche. Those people who used to indulge in your reasoning and sometimes misguided rationale for your decisions suddenly distance themselves by focusing on themselves. As you become less self-centered they indulge in self-centrism, making conversations one-sided and completely uninteresting. Does this sound familiar:
You- "Hey what's up man?"
Them- "Not much, what's up with you?"
You- "Just workin on..."
Them- "I just wanted to call to tell you I got a new _______"
You- "Cool... cool.. so how do you like it?"
(After about 15 minutes of listening)
Them- "So yeah.. it's the best thing ever..."
You- "Yeah, glad you like it.. I know you've been wanting that for a long time... Very happy for you."
Them- "So what's new"
You- "Well I spent some more time _______ and ______"
Them- "Oh yeah.. me too.. did I tell you that I did that the other day? And what happened?"
You- "Yeah you told me..."
Them- "Man it was sooo awesome...."
(After another 15 minutes)
Them- "Glad to hear from you."
You- "Yeah, me too."
Well, it became familiar for me too with some of my good friends. Each time I would mention a hobby of mine, they would ask.. "Oh really? I didn't know you were into that." Um. Okay. I told you about FIVE times already!
Then there are the new people you meet. Initially they sound pretty cool to talk to, but then after a week or so, you realize it's a one way street. They end up just completely ignoring you. These people feel no remorse when you have said five total words in a conversation that they initiated. Soon, you start to field their calls with fear and thoughts of new excuses to get them off the phone.
Not all self-centered people are alike, however. They come in three different types in my humble opinion.
First, the funny and social self centered type. These people are the life of the party. Its fun to hang out with them at the club and at bars, because they are just damn funny and they seek that role. Attention neediness has been their modus operandi since they were a child. Try to talk to them in a one on one situation, and it becomes highly annoying. More stories about how you are a social wunderkind? Please bring it on. More talk about how you are having problems with a million different men or women? I have all the time in the world. And when you start to talk about your issues, they cut you off and offer up the way that THEY would do it. Great.
Second, the annoying and negative type. These people decide that their opinions are the only ones that matter, no matter how shaky the foundation is upon which their logic resides. They sneer at any mention of your happiness or have to add a comment about how much more wonderful their life is. Worse, they decide that they can relate to everything you have gone through, but with more suffering, more happiness, and more passion. Wierd. Their absolutism knows no bounds and they must apply it to everybody. A conversation with one of them goes something like this:
"So my boss yelled at me today for...."
Them- "Bosses should never do that. I will never work for a boss like that. In fact, my boss loves me. I once had a boss that did that, and I left the job. I will never work for a boss like that. In fact, my boss loves me. You shouldn't take that. Don't ever let it happen again. Look at me, I don't."
You- "But it's different at my workplace..."
Them- "Doesn't matter. For example, my boss tried to _______ and I just told him, 'Talk to the hand.'"
They can never say good things for you either. I once told one of these people that I was planning to go autocrossing, a safe form of racing. Their response was, "I would never do that. Seems so risky and stupid." Thanks. Great, coming from a non-driving enthusiast, I must listen and uphold that opinion. Is my sarcasm getting thick?
The last and third type (and I'm sure there are many more), is the quiet, distracted type. They initially seem to be the best listeners and you initially open up your thoughts and soul to them. Within a short amount of itme, though, it dawns upon you that they have never paid attention to what you were saying. They were just biding time to open up their own can of worms. The telltale sign of never remembering what you said, what you like, or even what you feel is always apparent after the first one or two conversations. It seems that they only listen to gain your trust so they can open the floodgates of their own self-centrism. Call them the Trojan horse of self centered people. These are the hardest to predict and the most difficult to deal with. You feel sort of indebted to them for their initial, albeit shallow listening. I've learned to predict these people by gauging their initial responses. These types will just nod their head or say key, familiar phrases like, "Yeah," "I see," "I feel ya," "Must be hard man," and "Things will get better," with nothing else to say. After awhile, you could tell them that you had asteroids coming out of your penis and they would say the same monotonous phrases.
So there it is. My rant for the day/week/month. I find that the older you get, the more I find these people. It has one benefit though, it makes me feel lucky for those friends who aren't like this. I know I've been self-centered sometimes in the past, but hopefully I don't abuse it like the above examples. Time will tell.
posted by Richard at 11:17 AM
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