Giant Pandas: A Way to Calm Your Sexual Tension
Since I've started my blog down the luridly indecent expressway to XXX-dom, I figured I'd see if I could calm the raging libidos that have taxed my comment system. It's sort of a Sisyphian (I don't think that's a word) endeavor, but necessary nonetheless. Hopefully, I can introduce a warm, fuzzy feeling in our ambiguosly named tummies, allowing a weekend of sin-free bliss. Why would I do that? Well, raging hormones and a weekend can be a bad mix. And my naive, prude angel on my shoulder says I should inspire halo deserving behavior. Well, you can't say I didn't try.
There are times in life where that angel needs to take over and wrest control away from our sex drive and place it into our brain. That's assuming that some of us have cerebral function above the belly button. Wanton, careless sex always sounds good, but can be a socially frowned upon sometimes. Essentially, you need to distract yourself from feeling horny.
I mean, who doesn't want to have sex at the top of the Eiffel Tower on a beautiful non-humid, 78 degree evening? Nor would any person worth their gonads turn down "sand be damned" coital behavior on a Carribean beach with a beautiful sunset. And would any Dramamine taking adult turn down a boat rocking, whoopi-making romp through Venice?
Of course, those fantasies may be too lofty for some of us. Some wouldn't mind alchohol aided, behind the building, age be damned vertical sex. A few would even make do with a sweatin' to trance music, fully clothed, "we're just dancing" copulation at the local rave. Or how about the "hurry up I can see squad car lights" quickies? You all know who you are. I'm anonymously calling you out, if there is such a thing.
All this concludes with me saying that there are times where making love or having sex (whatever you decide to call it) just isn't socially acceptable, lest you fancy being name called, don't mind circulating internet photos of your goods (or lack thereof) , or like being arrested for indecent (or for some of you horribly indecent) exposure. Who knows? Maybe one day you'll walk into your boss' office and lo and behold your "identical twin" is on his or her browser. Releasing your pent up frustration is wonderful, but sometimes we don't want to see it. Just like drinking-induced public urination.
Oh, and for those of us who have two golf balls and a club (or two peas and a toothpick for that matter), it's okay to have blue balls. Don't persuade yourself into believing it's a medical condition or some brain scarring, pyschiatrist needing event. You will have sex again, whether it be with a woman or your friends with the initals RH (NO - NOT ME, REPEAT NOT ME) or LH.
For the ladies, it must be nice not to have to hide an erection. I guess some guys don't have to since its barely evident. Sort of like coach airplane seats, reclined vs upright - no difference. But that's another blog topic to be discussed at another time.
So what does one do when your sexual hormones override your brain's moral neurotransmitters? I mean, you can't stop it, but only hope to contain it right? The temporizing answer is all I can offer here. And that is to think about something incredibly tame, and completely unrelated to sex. This may tell you more about your personalities than you think, sort of a Rorschach test of your sexual brain lobe (whether it be below or above your belly button). Right now, I am wondering if maybe I'm revealing too much, sacrificing my standing as a good, moral, salt-of-the-earth individual. Oh well.
To tame your sex drive effectively, you need to think of something entirely non-sexual, but not gut-wrenchingly so. Too visceral a reaction will cause your partner to accuse you of strange fetishes or even worse, prosecute you as an "early arrival" when you haven't. It must be a pleasant, naive, pure, and completely nonsexual image (or sequences of). Let it slowly bring down the tension without distraction, giving yourself at least a chance at a rain check.
Now, I don't really care to know what constitutes a solution in everyone's minds. However, those astute readers have already figured me out. That is that I think about Giant Pandas, as the thought is as nonsexual as I can get when I need to calm down any sexual tension. And for those with any reading comprehension, if you think my solution sexual in any way, you are really sick.
There are times in life where that angel needs to take over and wrest control away from our sex drive and place it into our brain. That's assuming that some of us have cerebral function above the belly button. Wanton, careless sex always sounds good, but can be a socially frowned upon sometimes. Essentially, you need to distract yourself from feeling horny.
I mean, who doesn't want to have sex at the top of the Eiffel Tower on a beautiful non-humid, 78 degree evening? Nor would any person worth their gonads turn down "sand be damned" coital behavior on a Carribean beach with a beautiful sunset. And would any Dramamine taking adult turn down a boat rocking, whoopi-making romp through Venice?
Of course, those fantasies may be too lofty for some of us. Some wouldn't mind alchohol aided, behind the building, age be damned vertical sex. A few would even make do with a sweatin' to trance music, fully clothed, "we're just dancing" copulation at the local rave. Or how about the "hurry up I can see squad car lights" quickies? You all know who you are. I'm anonymously calling you out, if there is such a thing.
All this concludes with me saying that there are times where making love or having sex (whatever you decide to call it) just isn't socially acceptable, lest you fancy being name called, don't mind circulating internet photos of your goods (or lack thereof) , or like being arrested for indecent (or for some of you horribly indecent) exposure. Who knows? Maybe one day you'll walk into your boss' office and lo and behold your "identical twin" is on his or her browser. Releasing your pent up frustration is wonderful, but sometimes we don't want to see it. Just like drinking-induced public urination.
Oh, and for those of us who have two golf balls and a club (or two peas and a toothpick for that matter), it's okay to have blue balls. Don't persuade yourself into believing it's a medical condition or some brain scarring, pyschiatrist needing event. You will have sex again, whether it be with a woman or your friends with the initals RH (NO - NOT ME, REPEAT NOT ME) or LH.
For the ladies, it must be nice not to have to hide an erection. I guess some guys don't have to since its barely evident. Sort of like coach airplane seats, reclined vs upright - no difference. But that's another blog topic to be discussed at another time.
So what does one do when your sexual hormones override your brain's moral neurotransmitters? I mean, you can't stop it, but only hope to contain it right? The temporizing answer is all I can offer here. And that is to think about something incredibly tame, and completely unrelated to sex. This may tell you more about your personalities than you think, sort of a Rorschach test of your sexual brain lobe (whether it be below or above your belly button). Right now, I am wondering if maybe I'm revealing too much, sacrificing my standing as a good, moral, salt-of-the-earth individual. Oh well.
To tame your sex drive effectively, you need to think of something entirely non-sexual, but not gut-wrenchingly so. Too visceral a reaction will cause your partner to accuse you of strange fetishes or even worse, prosecute you as an "early arrival" when you haven't. It must be a pleasant, naive, pure, and completely nonsexual image (or sequences of). Let it slowly bring down the tension without distraction, giving yourself at least a chance at a rain check.
Now, I don't really care to know what constitutes a solution in everyone's minds. However, those astute readers have already figured me out. That is that I think about Giant Pandas, as the thought is as nonsexual as I can get when I need to calm down any sexual tension. And for those with any reading comprehension, if you think my solution sexual in any way, you are really sick.
posted by Richard at 4:26 PM
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