The Man Card
Yesterday night, Chi and I had some friends over for her weekly "Bachelor Viewing Party." It's becoming more popular these days as more and more people come. The first night she had it, I wasn't even there. Terry and I were out at a bar with Dawn and Kevin, as I am not (and never have been) a fan of the Bachelor. As a self-described guy's guy, I figured that any guy worth his man card would never watch a show where there is one guy and a ton of girls with no nekkidness or group sex! It would seem to be a vehicle only for cattiness amongst not only the participants but the viewers too. But last week, I was forced to watch, as I discovered that my guy friends I thought were true guys actually wanted to watch the Bachelor. What?!
Last night, we had our 3rd weekly "Bachelor Viewing Party." As with the previous week, it started with me at the TV, alcohol in hand watching the MLB World Series (although technically last week it was the NLCS). At this point, I was in a state of transcendence. Not much can be better about watching a good game, beer in hand, on a comfortable chair, with a widescreen 51 inch HDTV. In fact, I expected that the game would end before the Bachelor started, giving me ample time to prepare myself for the onslaught of phoniness that Holden Caufield would love to hate.
At this time, Vicky was over already, and also thankfully enjoying the World Series. Figuring I was safe for the moment, I went to my computer to check up on some email and some Audizine.com posts. I came back, and Smallville was on. What?! How did that happen. Luckily for me, the chick Lana was hot. And the skinny dipping scene in the beginning validated me turning my man attention to the show, if only for a moment. Trying to justify my man card, I made sure to take note of all the good looking girls on the show, and of course, make comments about them.
Soon, my good friend Terry came over. Now, Terry is a guy's guy. Boy can drink alcohol like a thirsty camel at the only oasis in the Sahara. He also is somewhat controversial in his male "chauvinistic" mannerisms (although he really isn't). So when I kicked it with Terry in the past at bars, parties, etc., I always felt he was deserving of his mancard. Little did I know. Little indeed.
Expecting the "stop crying, you're just damn ugly" comments from Terry, I was a little taken aback when he started rootin' and hollerin' for particular women. What?! It didn't stop there. He admitted to his enjoying movies like Pretty Woman, The Sweetest Thing, Serendipity and to watching shows like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
And it didn't stop there. But I won't go any further, as its best heard from him. Let's just say I demanded that he give back his man card (or just give it to me) more than three times last night.
What is a man card you ask? Well, it's a privilege that is granted to every man when they turn 21. You don't carry it, it just is a part of you. Being a male doesn't equate to mancard ownership. I have plenty of male friends who I am close to who don't have a mancard for various reasons. They are wonderful people no less. Really it is a philosophy of life, if you will, that ensures a common understanding amongst guys' guys.
With it, you can be allowed certain transgressions. Didn't iron your shirt in the morning? Flash the man card. Admitting that you like watching lesbians in front of your girl? Flash the man card. Postpone a date with a hottie to watch your favorite football team on Monday night? Flash the man card. Piling up the your underwear in the corner of the bedroom when the hamper is one foot away? FTMC (Flash The Man Card). And last but not least, order a beer in a high brow restaurant? FTMC.
Of course, the man card should be used wisely and sparingly. Overreliance on it will result in the owner of the man card being surrounded by other single men only, as all of the good women would have been taken by then.
That being said, the man card is a privilege, not a right! There are conditions under which the man card may be taken away, by force if necessary. Waking up in the middle of the night with a woman on top of you and asking, "Why don't we just date?" Take away the man card (TATMC). Being surrounded by 5 or more women at a club and asking "I feel uncomfortable, I need to call in another man." TATMC. If you're watching the Bachelor and not thinking, "Sh*t, if I were the Bachelor, I'd be hittin' it with each one of em each night, or maybe a couple at at time." TATMC.
Now, some of you may be asking, "Well Richard, aren't you married? How does that affect your mancard ownership status?" Well, being married is the best part about being a mancard owner, if you marry the right person. My wife tolerates my mancardedness and even enforces it on occasion. Once married, you must enforce the spirit of the mancard. If you see another single male not living up to the standard set by the man card, you must warn them. Further crimes committed against the spirit of the mancard must be penalized by temporary suspension of the mancard, or (gasp) even complete removal of the mancard from the criminal's possession. Although no longer protected by the mancard, being married with the mancard at least guarantees some understanding of the man's mistakes.
This being said, I must say that being an idiot will threaten your status as a mancard owner. Blatant mistreatment of women, wearing pink underwear, or disregard for the safety of those around you will guarantee a mancard-less life. And yes, you can be metrosexual and still be a mancard owner, although on the whole, you'll just have to explain yourself more often than not.
Yesterday night, Chi and I had some friends over for her weekly "Bachelor Viewing Party." It's becoming more popular these days as more and more people come. The first night she had it, I wasn't even there. Terry and I were out at a bar with Dawn and Kevin, as I am not (and never have been) a fan of the Bachelor. As a self-described guy's guy, I figured that any guy worth his man card would never watch a show where there is one guy and a ton of girls with no nekkidness or group sex! It would seem to be a vehicle only for cattiness amongst not only the participants but the viewers too. But last week, I was forced to watch, as I discovered that my guy friends I thought were true guys actually wanted to watch the Bachelor. What?!
Last night, we had our 3rd weekly "Bachelor Viewing Party." As with the previous week, it started with me at the TV, alcohol in hand watching the MLB World Series (although technically last week it was the NLCS). At this point, I was in a state of transcendence. Not much can be better about watching a good game, beer in hand, on a comfortable chair, with a widescreen 51 inch HDTV. In fact, I expected that the game would end before the Bachelor started, giving me ample time to prepare myself for the onslaught of phoniness that Holden Caufield would love to hate.
At this time, Vicky was over already, and also thankfully enjoying the World Series. Figuring I was safe for the moment, I went to my computer to check up on some email and some Audizine.com posts. I came back, and Smallville was on. What?! How did that happen. Luckily for me, the chick Lana was hot. And the skinny dipping scene in the beginning validated me turning my man attention to the show, if only for a moment. Trying to justify my man card, I made sure to take note of all the good looking girls on the show, and of course, make comments about them.
Soon, my good friend Terry came over. Now, Terry is a guy's guy. Boy can drink alcohol like a thirsty camel at the only oasis in the Sahara. He also is somewhat controversial in his male "chauvinistic" mannerisms (although he really isn't). So when I kicked it with Terry in the past at bars, parties, etc., I always felt he was deserving of his mancard. Little did I know. Little indeed.
Expecting the "stop crying, you're just damn ugly" comments from Terry, I was a little taken aback when he started rootin' and hollerin' for particular women. What?! It didn't stop there. He admitted to his enjoying movies like Pretty Woman, The Sweetest Thing, Serendipity and to watching shows like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
And it didn't stop there. But I won't go any further, as its best heard from him. Let's just say I demanded that he give back his man card (or just give it to me) more than three times last night.
What is a man card you ask? Well, it's a privilege that is granted to every man when they turn 21. You don't carry it, it just is a part of you. Being a male doesn't equate to mancard ownership. I have plenty of male friends who I am close to who don't have a mancard for various reasons. They are wonderful people no less. Really it is a philosophy of life, if you will, that ensures a common understanding amongst guys' guys.
With it, you can be allowed certain transgressions. Didn't iron your shirt in the morning? Flash the man card. Admitting that you like watching lesbians in front of your girl? Flash the man card. Postpone a date with a hottie to watch your favorite football team on Monday night? Flash the man card. Piling up the your underwear in the corner of the bedroom when the hamper is one foot away? FTMC (Flash The Man Card). And last but not least, order a beer in a high brow restaurant? FTMC.
Of course, the man card should be used wisely and sparingly. Overreliance on it will result in the owner of the man card being surrounded by other single men only, as all of the good women would have been taken by then.
That being said, the man card is a privilege, not a right! There are conditions under which the man card may be taken away, by force if necessary. Waking up in the middle of the night with a woman on top of you and asking, "Why don't we just date?" Take away the man card (TATMC). Being surrounded by 5 or more women at a club and asking "I feel uncomfortable, I need to call in another man." TATMC. If you're watching the Bachelor and not thinking, "Sh*t, if I were the Bachelor, I'd be hittin' it with each one of em each night, or maybe a couple at at time." TATMC.
Now, some of you may be asking, "Well Richard, aren't you married? How does that affect your mancard ownership status?" Well, being married is the best part about being a mancard owner, if you marry the right person. My wife tolerates my mancardedness and even enforces it on occasion. Once married, you must enforce the spirit of the mancard. If you see another single male not living up to the standard set by the man card, you must warn them. Further crimes committed against the spirit of the mancard must be penalized by temporary suspension of the mancard, or (gasp) even complete removal of the mancard from the criminal's possession. Although no longer protected by the mancard, being married with the mancard at least guarantees some understanding of the man's mistakes.
This being said, I must say that being an idiot will threaten your status as a mancard owner. Blatant mistreatment of women, wearing pink underwear, or disregard for the safety of those around you will guarantee a mancard-less life. And yes, you can be metrosexual and still be a mancard owner, although on the whole, you'll just have to explain yourself more often than not.
posted by Richard at 11:46 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home