The Art of Flaking
Flaking is a difficult thing to do right. Flaking, by my definition, is a socially acceptable broken promise. In the elation of an inspired idea of an event, the flakers will cheer "I'll be there!" With thoughts of good times and excitement to be had, the victim of the flaking will diligently focus their efforts on the planning and recruitment of other friends to partake in the planned night of tomfoolery, shenanigans, and debauchery. When the anticipated time arrives, however, the victim will often stand alone, happy in the loyal company that surrounds him or her, but disappointed in the small fraction of attendees.
But if flaking were the litmus test for friendship, we'd all be alone. We've all done it before. We've all flaked on somebody - our best friend, our confidant, our boss, our dogs, and even our significant others. So the act of flaking itself is not the defining variable of friendship. Although it may seem that way initially.
It's the Art of Flaking that really defines your true friends. Those that practice this artform the best go on to have valuable and lasting relationships with a strong sense of loyalty and trust. They are often the ones you tend to trust and value the most, as they can almost always be counted on. There are several principles of the Art that ultimately place a holistic value on friendship.
Principle No. 1: Minimize the incidence of flaking.
If you have to flake, do so at a rate that stays below the flake radar. Flaking once every one or two months is hardly noticeable. But hearing, "Oh, well, you know... I won't make it tonight" for the third time in one week becomes a little too much to bear. If you have to flake more than once a month, double up in a week. Doing this makes it seem a little out of character, and, consequently, easier to understand.
Principle No. 2: Choose the least important events to flake.
"Man, I just don't think I can make it to your wedding. I know I'm the best man and all, but I just feel tired." "You know, I wanted to make it to your first night on a Broadway stage, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me." "Damn man, I can't believe I missed your bachelor party. I had to sod the lawn. Hope you understand." All of the above are unacceptable acts of flaking. Important events should not be flaked on. On the other hand, the least important events often go unnoticed, or even better, are often easily understood. "Hey man, I totally meant to help you clean your gutters out the other day, but I had a date with some twins." "I can't believe I forgot to come over and help you reorganize your wedding photos. I'm really sorry, but Friends was on." These are examples of easily understood and often forgotten flaking episodes.
Principle No. 3: Apologize aggressively.
Flaking isn't sleeping with your friend's spouse. You can actually apologize successfully for it. As you've probably already guessed (I hopefully attract only smart readers) there is a correct and incorrect way to do it. The incorrect way is to be passive. Making your friend/significant other/family member call you and call out your flakiness is beyond embarrassment. If I have to call you, and tell you that you flaked, and listen to your ineffective apology, and somehow still do it without getting angry... well, you should be more embarrassed than a nude teenage boy at a playboy mansion party in the cold. However, if one realizes one flaked and calls immediately after the act of flaking has occurred, redemption can be had. The apology needs also to also sound like its the only thing on your mind. "Eh mang, sorry. What about them Vikings?" This would be fairly ineffective. Better than being passive, but you gotta throw your back into it! "Dude. How could I have done this to you?! Man, I am SO sorry. I know how much you were hoping we could hang out. I can't believe my own self." Much better and much more committed, diffusing the situation effectively. One can't help but feel relieved for the flaker him/herself. They must have been going through existential dissonance deep down inside right?
Principle No. 4: Have an undeniable, honest excuse.
Flaking needs to be put in perspective. No one can reasonably expect someone to attend a party when their loved one has suffered an injustice or injury. Nor can anyone be faulted if they are on death's door, praying to the porcelain god for abdominal salvation. There are just times when flaking is necessary and maybe the last thing on the flaker's mind. However, some excuses defy lameness. "Man, I just couldn't make it, cause.. cause I had a headache man. It was bad. I saw lights, elvis, demons. I can't even describe it." Your response: "Dude, I saw you hittin' up the adult bookstore when I drove past ninth and century." Inexcusable. "Damn girl, I was set to go to your party, but you know, my bunyans started hurtin', my dogs looked sad, and my TV stopped workin. And you know I have to take care of that." Your response: "What the hell are you talking about? My moms told me she saw you showin' the neighbor the neighborhood - but from your bedroom." Oh sh*t. At this point, bribery laced groveling may be your only saving grace. Finally, have somebody else confirm your excuse. Have a picture. Have a videotape. Have your best friends give tear-laden testimonials. Anything.
Principle No. 5: Employ self flake prevention.
Give someone your jacket, your cell phone, your keys. Anything valuable as collateral. It will guarantee that you will show up to demand it back, although this should be the last reason that you show up. And no, there is no layaway plan for flake prevention.
Principle No. 6: Swallow your pride on occasion.
This is the most important one. Yes, you may have to wax the car. Yes, you may have a date with Charlize Theron. Yes, it may be the season finale of Friends. But sometimes, you just have to swallow your pride and realize that keeping a promise may be more important than any of the above (although turning down a date with Charlize Theron should grant you knighthood by Queen Elizabeth). Friendship is based on trust, loyalty, and generosity. Missing out on individual gratification will often miraculously erase past memories of flakedom.
Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I just want to thank those of you who are masters of the Art of Flaking. Sort of the Jet Li of flaking. They include my wife (I don't think she has ever flaked), TC (the self proclaimed stud), William (may be controversial, but never flaked), Dawn (has successfully employed flake prevention), Mark (loyal to the bone), Christo (has always had good reason), and Jimmy (never flaked once, even when I needed him for glue gun help). Thanks for your mastery of the Art of Flaking.
Flaking is a difficult thing to do right. Flaking, by my definition, is a socially acceptable broken promise. In the elation of an inspired idea of an event, the flakers will cheer "I'll be there!" With thoughts of good times and excitement to be had, the victim of the flaking will diligently focus their efforts on the planning and recruitment of other friends to partake in the planned night of tomfoolery, shenanigans, and debauchery. When the anticipated time arrives, however, the victim will often stand alone, happy in the loyal company that surrounds him or her, but disappointed in the small fraction of attendees.
But if flaking were the litmus test for friendship, we'd all be alone. We've all done it before. We've all flaked on somebody - our best friend, our confidant, our boss, our dogs, and even our significant others. So the act of flaking itself is not the defining variable of friendship. Although it may seem that way initially.
It's the Art of Flaking that really defines your true friends. Those that practice this artform the best go on to have valuable and lasting relationships with a strong sense of loyalty and trust. They are often the ones you tend to trust and value the most, as they can almost always be counted on. There are several principles of the Art that ultimately place a holistic value on friendship.
Principle No. 1: Minimize the incidence of flaking.
If you have to flake, do so at a rate that stays below the flake radar. Flaking once every one or two months is hardly noticeable. But hearing, "Oh, well, you know... I won't make it tonight" for the third time in one week becomes a little too much to bear. If you have to flake more than once a month, double up in a week. Doing this makes it seem a little out of character, and, consequently, easier to understand.
Principle No. 2: Choose the least important events to flake.
"Man, I just don't think I can make it to your wedding. I know I'm the best man and all, but I just feel tired." "You know, I wanted to make it to your first night on a Broadway stage, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me." "Damn man, I can't believe I missed your bachelor party. I had to sod the lawn. Hope you understand." All of the above are unacceptable acts of flaking. Important events should not be flaked on. On the other hand, the least important events often go unnoticed, or even better, are often easily understood. "Hey man, I totally meant to help you clean your gutters out the other day, but I had a date with some twins." "I can't believe I forgot to come over and help you reorganize your wedding photos. I'm really sorry, but Friends was on." These are examples of easily understood and often forgotten flaking episodes.
Principle No. 3: Apologize aggressively.
Flaking isn't sleeping with your friend's spouse. You can actually apologize successfully for it. As you've probably already guessed (I hopefully attract only smart readers) there is a correct and incorrect way to do it. The incorrect way is to be passive. Making your friend/significant other/family member call you and call out your flakiness is beyond embarrassment. If I have to call you, and tell you that you flaked, and listen to your ineffective apology, and somehow still do it without getting angry... well, you should be more embarrassed than a nude teenage boy at a playboy mansion party in the cold. However, if one realizes one flaked and calls immediately after the act of flaking has occurred, redemption can be had. The apology needs also to also sound like its the only thing on your mind. "Eh mang, sorry. What about them Vikings?" This would be fairly ineffective. Better than being passive, but you gotta throw your back into it! "Dude. How could I have done this to you?! Man, I am SO sorry. I know how much you were hoping we could hang out. I can't believe my own self." Much better and much more committed, diffusing the situation effectively. One can't help but feel relieved for the flaker him/herself. They must have been going through existential dissonance deep down inside right?
Principle No. 4: Have an undeniable, honest excuse.
Flaking needs to be put in perspective. No one can reasonably expect someone to attend a party when their loved one has suffered an injustice or injury. Nor can anyone be faulted if they are on death's door, praying to the porcelain god for abdominal salvation. There are just times when flaking is necessary and maybe the last thing on the flaker's mind. However, some excuses defy lameness. "Man, I just couldn't make it, cause.. cause I had a headache man. It was bad. I saw lights, elvis, demons. I can't even describe it." Your response: "Dude, I saw you hittin' up the adult bookstore when I drove past ninth and century." Inexcusable. "Damn girl, I was set to go to your party, but you know, my bunyans started hurtin', my dogs looked sad, and my TV stopped workin. And you know I have to take care of that." Your response: "What the hell are you talking about? My moms told me she saw you showin' the neighbor the neighborhood - but from your bedroom." Oh sh*t. At this point, bribery laced groveling may be your only saving grace. Finally, have somebody else confirm your excuse. Have a picture. Have a videotape. Have your best friends give tear-laden testimonials. Anything.
Principle No. 5: Employ self flake prevention.
Give someone your jacket, your cell phone, your keys. Anything valuable as collateral. It will guarantee that you will show up to demand it back, although this should be the last reason that you show up. And no, there is no layaway plan for flake prevention.
Principle No. 6: Swallow your pride on occasion.
This is the most important one. Yes, you may have to wax the car. Yes, you may have a date with Charlize Theron. Yes, it may be the season finale of Friends. But sometimes, you just have to swallow your pride and realize that keeping a promise may be more important than any of the above (although turning down a date with Charlize Theron should grant you knighthood by Queen Elizabeth). Friendship is based on trust, loyalty, and generosity. Missing out on individual gratification will often miraculously erase past memories of flakedom.
Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I just want to thank those of you who are masters of the Art of Flaking. Sort of the Jet Li of flaking. They include my wife (I don't think she has ever flaked), TC (the self proclaimed stud), William (may be controversial, but never flaked), Dawn (has successfully employed flake prevention), Mark (loyal to the bone), Christo (has always had good reason), and Jimmy (never flaked once, even when I needed him for glue gun help). Thanks for your mastery of the Art of Flaking.
posted by Richard at 3:01 PM
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